God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

What I Whisper When I'm Alone

"Dearest little ones, snuggle in. I've done everything I could to make it a warm place to grow. If love could be the sustaining force, I know both of you would soon be in my arms. I'm angry at my body so often, because it has held me back from meeting your brothers and sisters. Please stay strong little ones. Hold on tight. Let me meet you.
Your daddy and I have prayed and prayed and prayed for you. Even before you were a single cell, we have dreamed about you. Daddy dreams of walking in the door from work and having two dogs and two babies run up to him and greet him. I dream of the times I will get to rock you to sleep and the times I will beam with pride because of your new art project.
Daddy dreams of a little Daddy's girl, that looks like Mommy. Mommy dreams of a little Momma's boy that looks like Daddy. However, we both just yearn to hold you. Whatever you are, and whatever you want to be, that's okay with us. We will guide you, and instruct you, and absolutely teach you the ways of the Lord... but we will let you stretch when you need to. I'm ready for the independent phase that the toddler season will bring. I'm ready for the clingy-ness phase that Jr. High might blow in. I'm ready for the rebelliousness that High School brings. Just hold tight and be our little one.
The Lord promises to make me, a barren woman, a happy housewife with joyful children. Please let these children be you. We can't wait to someday adopt you wonderful hand-picked siblings, but for right now we just cannot bear any more loss. Besides, you were 'hand-picked' as well by doctors. :)
I dreamt of you last night. Nothing anyone else would deem 'special', but these dreaming moments were heavenly to me. I was holding you. I was bathing you. I was breastfeeding. You were so, so breathtaking.
Please little ones, know that Mommy and Daddy love you more than life; you are already such a gift from God. Snuggle in. Hold on. Wait for awhile, and grow to be babies who are healthy and comfortable until birth. I will take any agony you may cause then, if you just hold on; nothing is more painful than the loss of a child.
We know your brothers and sisters are watching over you, and we can just envision them asking God to let you stay with us. My children, I will never want again. I will never feel like I am 'doing without' again. Just please, please let me mother you. Let me give birth and hand you to your Daddy with pride.
Snuggle in babies, it's time for goodnights. I'll dream of you again until morning, and pray these prayers again.  Hold tight."

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