God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Monday, August 20, 2012

When to Bite your Tongue

A big issue I've struggled with for quite some time is when is the 'right time' to announce you're pregnant?
I've been back and forth on this, that's is hard to tell really. Obviously, it is the pregnant momma's choice in the end and she should do what she sees fit. But, here are my thoughts:

When I was pregnant with Grace I almost couldn't help myself. I had been trying for 'so long' then (just about 2 years) and was beaming. If anyone asked what was going on I could just smile, and couldn't turn the smile off. Then, because I am so outspoken about our infertility, a few would ask, "Are you pregnant?!" and I could just begin smiling and crying and screaming at the same time... all in uncontrollable joy. Although I never posted on Facebook, I had about 10 people knowing within a week of knowing myself.

Then, we lost Grace. It wasn't I, but my husband who was forced to make a majority of the phone calls. I was a shell of a person, and frankly, didn't care about anymore. I left him to clean up the messes that I, and others, were even when he was in so much pain himself. My best friend had to tell our Sunday school full of girls and watch them cry. The fantasy that a second pink line = a baby was forever shattered.

During the following two years of trying to conceive, I had many friends announce their pregnancy. I had friends who were sweet and who told me privately over coffee before plastering it to Facebook. I had friends spring it on me in a room full of people. I had friends send me a note, or give me a call. I found out many through Facebook like everyone else. Every. Single. Time. it hurt, I will not lie about that. However, it was so sweet when I had a couple of friends soften the blow for me. They weren't upset I couldn't jump for joy, and they were supportive and sweet until I was able to. I also had friends who hurt me, honestly out of ignorance. They hadn't experienced the pain I had felt, and were able to post away without hesitation. They made announcements before 12 weeks. They shouted from the rooftops before blood work. They posted on Facebook without considering those who may get hurt.

Many of you may think that waiting until 12 weeks before announcing is 'old school'. I can tell you it is not. As a woman who has had a miscarriage (at 8-12 weeks) it feels like a slap in the face. I felt like it was saying, "That can't happen to me. I'm not broken." and it dug straight to my heart. It was so painful. Was it intentional? I absolutely don't believe it was! ...But that didn't make it hurt any less.

Now here I am, in the 2WW with IVF and Friday I will know if I am pregnant or not. You all will know what day it is, and I have no doubt you're all anxious and wondering as well. So what if it's positive? Am I a hypocrite? Or does this situation call for different reasoning?

Like I said at the start, it is the pregnant momma's choice in the end and she should do what she sees fit...  and if I am the 'pregnant momma' come Friday choosing what I see fit is one thing... but that doesn't mean I don't need to set up some rules and guidelines for myself that I feel is fair. I'm posting them here- just in case- so you all will know what to expect when you choose to come to my blog and so you are able to keep me accountable if you are willing.


Our families will be properly told first, before any social network or random caller.

After our families, I intend to make an effort to speak with every woman I know who is TTC personally. If that is not possible, those women deserve a phone call or message first. It seems so surreal to me that I could possibly be one of those pregnant woman I have envied, and I just want my TTC friends to know I still battled infertility for years and that I still will do everything in my power to help and support them.

After friends, family, and fellow TTC-ers... I feel it's only fair to let my wonderful readers know. You all have followed me every step and I want you to know ASAP!

I refuse to clog up my friends' news feeds on Facebook with my baby bump or anything of the sort. If I become pregnant, I will simply post:
"Walter and I had a successful IVF! I cannot thank you all enough for your prayers!"

I refuse to say things in my status, in person, or on my blog that I believe can even slightly offend my TTC friends or appear that I would be ungrateful. If I pregnant, I'll report the news and keep the "wah wah wah" to myself.

After this, wonderful blog readers, prepare to be waaaay too informed! :) Oh goodness, I dream about the days I'll be pregnant! Baby bump pictures, 'bump updates', comparing my fetus to a fruit, gender reveal parties, watching the planning of a baby shower, all those aches and pains.... 

Please know that if I ever get pregnant, this blog will continue to be able battling infertility. Once infertile, you are always infertile. I would still love more than anything to help my fellow TTC-ers. I will definitely begin focusing more on adoption as well. If Walter and I have a successful IVF this time, we plan to never do IVF again. lol BUT we do plan to adopt and foster! 

Please also know that if I were to get pregnant any other way other than IVF, I would have forced myself to wait until 12 weeks. However, I do believe it is simply unfair to ask you to wait with me for that long, and honestly, I would have to stay in my room for 12 weeks to hide (also unfair). I could have done this whole process in secret, and kept our possible pregnancy a secret as well, but what kind of witness would that be? I chose to be upfront, and honest about our struggle to receive prayer and to praise God in our storm. Does believing it's inappropriate to announce your pregnancy before 12 weeks, and then doing yourself, make me a big hypocrite? Or does it make a different situation that only a few with a soft heart will understand? You decide. Please know though, whatever your decision may be, that I never ever intend to cause pain to those TTC. Those wonderful people have been through enough. 

Thank you so much friends for praying with us, and encouraging us... it's really made this first week bearable! Now we're in the final stretch and I feel like I could tear outta my skin with excitement. Continue to pray with us, and we are forever grateful for every. single. one. of you all. We thank God for putting you in our lives. 


  1. I agree...Zip it. we miscarried at 11 and 14 weeks. We had been quiet about the 14 weeker because of our previous experience, so it was easier not to have to deal with confronting people with bad news. I didn't want to see that look of Pity ever again. I didn't even want to tell my husband when I was pregnant with our son. I literally thought "I'll just lose the baby and he won't have to be bothered with it" Which is PSYCHO, but, as much as I was afraid I would lose my baby, I was afraid to watch my husband go through that hurt again. I had been totally tired and he realized I hadn't had a period in two months, so he finally asked me. At the time, I was broken and clouded by my own pain, so I really, in my own twisted way, thought I was doing a good thing. Hello! PRIDE!!!

  2. Losing a child is definitely not something I would wish on ANYONE. It's terrible. It makes even the most joyous news seems terrifying, and full of 'what ifs'. I'm always praying for those TTC, and even though no one is ever feeling safe until they have a baby in their arms, that at least those who do announce their pregnancy- no matter the time- do it sensitively and sweetly. I pray people try to understand through their pain as well.
    I'm so thankful for those who have been praying for us, and will definitely want to share God's miracle with everyone as soon as I can.

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  4. I unfortunately had to remove a comment from a past 'friend' due to her words, but wanted to share with you what she said. She called me names, including a hypocrite, and said I acted above everyone else. I'm glad my friends and readers know that isn't my heart. I love you all so much and thank you for supporting me. There's always one person who follows you just to tear you down.